When you look back at your relationship history, you may have different experiences. Some short novels. Some are boring. Some are characterized by strong attraction and great conflict. Some are warm and stable. All of these experiences teach us about ourselves and help us grow, but it can be helpful to know which relationships we prefer and which we feel are the healthiest.
In a study I conducted with Dr. Jonathon Beckmeyer, we set out to explore different types of relationships and how they relate to the well-being of young adults.
science notesIn the science of relationships, we often give participants a variety of options and ask them which one best suits their current relationship status: Single, Casual Dating, Engaged, Engaged, Married. These labels have been helpful in some of the research we've done, but they haven't told us much about the relationship itself.
Dr. Beckmeyer and I measured relationship dynamics such as warmth, support, negative reciprocity, and relationship satisfaction to better understand what was going on between the partners. We also measure components of relationship structure, such as commitment, length of relationship, and degree of integration into the couple's lives (eg, living together, having a pet together).
These factors combine to show us five types of relationships. Which relationship is closer to the one you are in or the one you want?
1. Happy and independentThis couple is warm, supportive, and has a low level of negative interactions. They thought their chances of getting married were high, but it didn't really connect their lives. Neither lives with their partner and they spend a lot of free time together compared to other types of relationships. This group was also slightly younger than the other participants and slightly more likely to be college students.
2. Happiness and being togetherThis is the most common type of relationship and people in this group really like happy and independent couples. The big difference is how well they organize their lives. Happy, cohesive groups are more likely to stay with their partners and spend a lot of free time together. They are also big and a bit long together.
3. IntelligencePeople who belong to this group are usually at the beginning of a new relationship. They haven't been together for a long time, and their relationships are slightly less positive than those of happy, independent or happy, cohesive groups. One can imagine that those people are still trying to decide whether to commit or not. They go through some growing pains to get to know each other and learn what they want from a relationship.
4. PressedGrieving couples do not have the same positive interactions as happy couples and are dissatisfied with their relationship. Although most have been together and living together longer, they generally do not expect to marry their partner and more than half have separated and are getting back together. The pair begin a less than happy relationship, with uncertain future plans and an unclear exit strategy. Dr. Beckmeyer and I were so intrigued that we conducted a separate study based on interviews with "stuck" people.
5. High intensityA high-intensity relationship is an interesting mix of lots of warmth and support with a heavy dose of negative interaction. They are quite satisfied with their relationship and have been together for a long time. However, they also have the highest turnover in relationships, breaking up and getting back together. We have come to the conclusion that this pair is a bit more volatile, which may work well for some and not for others.
key speechesThere are many different forms and styles of relationships that suit different people, as long as the relationship is healthy and free of abuse. Some of us like to connect our lives with partners, while others prefer independence. Some of us handle conflict and negative interactions well, others don't. For many of our research participants, what didn't seem good was a broken relationship; showed higher depressive symptoms and lower life satisfaction than people in other relationships.
Those in high-intensity relationships were more likely to report symptoms of depression and had higher life satisfaction than the other groups. Independent, happily integrated couples do better on the outcomes we measure. Knowing what you want and need is perhaps the most important thing, and sometimes this can mean leaving relationships that feel stuck or the intensity is too high for you.
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